I don’t know if any of you really read these things but I have posted this before but for those who don’t know, I am depressed. I have been for a very long time. Every bit of happiness you see is fake. It looks real, even feels real to me. The second i get home from work or what ever I am doing, I realized how sad of a waste of space I realllllllllyy am. I am never really happy. Distractions are the key to my life. Every problem I have is caused by one thing, and the problem is, is that I can’t do anything about it. I suck at everything I do. I suck at talking, I suck at reading, suck at learning, I suck with my words, I suck at looking good(being fat/ugly and so on and so on and so on), I suck at being rude(nobody like the nice guy), I suck at everything. My life sucks a lot of the time. I am about to be 24 and live with mom and dad. I have a shitty job(i am working on it). I cant afford anything. The little money I do have I spend on music because I know that music will always be there. No one ever does the same things as me so I can never really talk to anyone. There are a few people I have that i talk to and I am very thankful for them, but no one enjoys the same things do. Loneliness fills my veins. Music….. Music helps but I am still alone. Don’t waste your time messaging me about how you feel. I am not saying you don’t care. I believe some of you really do care. I believe some of you care more about other well being than anything else in the world. With that said, I am not trying to be rude. I just believe you need not get involved. This is my blog. This is where I am supposed to be able to put my feelings right? I just want to right on here, since I have ran out of room on my note book, that I haven’t been happy for a while. At least a year. My notebook goes back at least a year. I know it has been longer than that, I just started about a year ago, coincidental it was when I slowed down my drinking. There is really nothing I would like to discuss further. Other than the fact that I am drunk.
Okay. I lied. There was a girl that I started dating back in 2007. I loved her more than anything. She was my everything. We had plans on getting married. We mutually broke up. We both agreed it wasn’t going to work out. That has been the worst decision of my life. That was what started it all. We dated for years. She was my beginning and end. We everything together. I have had girlfriends since then but they have all been Mexican or had the same name. I can’t really tell if that is coincidence or not. I do not mean to drag on but she was perfect. Her freckles, her dry yet soft lips when she woke up. Her crooked teeth that she haddddd to straighten. Her warm cheek after taking a nap. Playing Mario Kart or what ever it was called. Anyways…. You now know I do not really get over shit easily. As much as I just talked about my ex-girlfriend/fiance I am over her. I just miss that feeling of being loved as much as I was then. If anyone has seen Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind………………………………………………..
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows the least bit of attention?"
So………………. there is a loooooooooooooooooootttt more to this but I am drunk and distracted